I am 41 years old and this week I was told I was overweight.

It’s the first time I recall ever having these words said to me.

They were followed with ‘to be healthy you would know you need to lose at least 10 if not, 20 kilos’.

Ouch. It was like someone had kicked me fair in the chest. My anxiety was already there, it generally is when I drive into town, have to drive into a low roof carpark (I feel suffocated), then head to an appointment with someone I haven’t met before. This comment just heightened it.

Then what was said next had me holding back tears yet smiling and nodding like nothing was wrong.

‘You are luckyyou don’t have more health issues considering this’.

I was numb. 48 hours later and I am still numb.

You see, here are the facts.

Fact: The lady that told me this met me 3 minutes before she made these comments. She had the privilege of taking my blood sugar levels, blood pressure, testing my urine and measuring my height and weight. She was quick to form a very strong opinion based on my height and weight. My other results were all positive.  

Fact: For a few weeks I have been seeing one of her colleagues. A health practitioner who specialises in gut health. I spent HOURS filling her in on my health history. SHE knows me. SHE would be the only one able to say if I were ‘lucky’ with my health issues.

Fact: Yes, I am the heaviest I have ever been besides pregnancy with my first born. I know that due to my clothes size. With daughters, I refuse to own a set of bathroom scales as I know too many people with unhealthy obsessions on valuing themselves and others by weight.

Fact: I am a size 12-14.

Fact: I have Coeliac disease and I am extremely intolerant (meaning I can not eat ANY) of over 20 different foods. Eg dairy, soy, corn, banana, tomato. The list goes on.

Fact: My gut health over the past few years has worsened. Which is why I am yet again seeking help.

Fact: Several days a week I can not leave the house due to my gut health (irregular, sudden, bowel issues). Many many times I miss out on quality time and events with my family due to this. It’s horrible. My quality of life is majorly affected by my gut health.

Fact: Because of this, I can not get a job. I am grateful I have my business which allows me to work from home as stressful as it can be when things are quiet and as difficult as it can be in a saturated social media climate.

Fact: I have Bipolar. I have anxiety. I have depression. The only thing ‘lucky’ about this is the fact that I am still alive.

Fact: I am medicated for my mental health issues. My medication has one major side effect – weight gain.

Fact: Over 12 months ago I was hospitalised because of my mental health. I told everyone I was on a holiday. It wasn’t a holiday. At that stage I was taking so many tablets I pretty much rattled when I walked. I shook non-stop. I couldn’t write or even sign my name because of it.

Fact: 4 children, a husband who works long hours, a business, pretty much no friends and therefore local support, gut health issues, thyroid issues and mental health issues exhausts me. I push myself as much as I can but often I can barely move during the days because of mental exhaustion. I can’t sleep of a night without sleeping tablets. Oh the irony.

Fact: I have lost all desire to eat. Especially during the days. Because of my gut health, I genuinely am scared not knowing what to eat. Then there is the fact that mentally I couldn’t be stuffed making anything just for me. The practitioner I am seeing has encouraged me to save some dinner to have for breakfast. This helps a little & gives me a little direction. I eat a pretty great dinner. I don’t eat ‘bad’ during the days, I just don’t eat during the days. That in itself is bad.

Fact: I need to exercise. Yes I am well aware of that. However, try going for a run with 2 broken legs most days. That’s how I feel. I’m not lazy. Most days I’m broken and exhausted. I am keen to join an influencer who does exercise programmes I can do from home. Preferably someone whose focus is ‘Mums’. Any recommendations would be great.

Fact: I am not this size due to how I eat (or lack of) or because of exercise (or lack of) I am this size because of my medication. I know this because my weight piled on when my medication started. Whilst I know improving my diet and exercising will help, I need to be honest & realistic. My medication is the main cause and I needto be on this medication. My lifeactually depends on it. I need to accept and be ok with this. It’s important.

Fact: There is no room for feeling guilty because I need to be on medication. No room at all.

Fact: Someone can’t meet you for 3 minutes or know you only via what they see on the internet and be able to have a worthwhile opinion of you. Yes, they can have an opinion but how much you let it bother you, hurt you or change you depends on YOU. You don’t have to hand that powder over to them. I know it hurts but this is such an important life fact to try and remember. I am telling myself this as well as anyone else who is still reading.

Fact: Deep inside of you, you know what’s best for you. As I know what’s best for me. We are human. We all have our own battles. You don’t need to surround yourself with people who put you down or pull you down. If you do this, be careful. If this person who commented on me a couple of days ago was someone I was meant to see regularly, I would either choose to see someone else or respectfully tell her that there are deeper issues to my weight gain that she needs to be mindful of that. I didn’t see the need to say something to her as I am pretty certain I won’t see her again. I feel comfortable with this.

Fact: Be gentle with yourself. We all need to do the best we can, one step at a time, one day at a time. There are plenty of critics in the world, we don’t need to be a critic to ourselves. So flippin’ important.

Fact: I am not alone. I am in tears as I type this. I am fearful of sharing this due to judgement but then I realise anyone that judges harshly doesn’t know me so why should I care? I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN. If you feel you are going through something similar and you are feeling alone. Please don’t. I have a beautiful ‘chat’ FB group called Cut out the Crap HEAD TO TOE – it’s there to support those that are struggling mentally and it’s also there to support those that are supporting others, this is equally as important. It’s a small group but everyone is so loving and supportive.

Fact: I am not making excuses. I am getting things off my chest and out of my head as this helps me.

Fact: I am quietly hoping that in sharing this, I find the ‘fight’ to start treating myself better and start doing what I know I need to do.

Fact: I am sharing this in hope of helping one person. That has always been my aim. With each book I write, with each recipe I share, each blog post or Facebook post I share, my aim is to help one person and to help one person feel less alone. This isn’t about me. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t need pity. I just need to do something with what I am given, learn from it and help someone else. If that person is you, I am thankful.

 

 

“ … and I said to my body, softly, ‘ I want to be your best friend.’ It took a long breath and replied, ‘I have been waiting my whole life for this’ “

 

 

Take Care of You,

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